I dont know how i have been able to hold it up. Sometimes when i think about it. I am pretty tempted to pat myself on the back and congratulate me on a job well done.
Back to dramatics.
On Monday. Or technically Tuesday Morning. The pain, the muscle spasms that were keeping me awake left me seated on my toilet crying my eyes swollen. Literally. After i was done crying, I took a good hard look at how my eyes that were close to being swollen shut. I decided there and then perhaps at 5 in the morning, it wasn’t such a good idea to haul myself to the Emergency Room. That and the pain brought upon by them spasms made it quite clear it wasn’t safe to drive.
No, I m not as dramatic as to calling 995.
by 6am… 2 extra doses of pain killers later. I passed out exhausted from the crying and maybe it was the tramadol + pacofen cocktail. but Who’s keeping tabs.
It was an early 830am when it seems that the drugs have already gotten out of my system and wincing from pain again. Off to the hospital I went. 3 hrs , more pain killers and a new appointment to see the specialist later. I was driving home desperately controlling the spasms so i wont hit anyone on the highway. I wish I did. So then they’d have to admit me and get the specialist to see me pronto. Life would have been much better.
I have since taken residence on my couch. Drifting in and out of consciousness. I kept to the drug cocktail. None for cure. ALL for the pain only. Nice. Day 4. Aches still lurking. Better control of spasms. (thou im pretty sure its just because the drugs are still lurking in the system) Im no better.
So how did i make it work ?
If you have no go-to person. Nobody you can call to bring to the ER at 5am in the morning….
Be your go-to person.
Cry your eyes out hidden from the world.
Wake up and sort yourself out.
=)
Posted in Healing | No Comments »
It wasn’t a nice notion but I blurted it out nonetheless to a colleague.
” Imagine if we didn’t have different people contented with different things in life. Who would be serving you at the shop ? Who would be waiting on your table ? Who’s going to be the teller behind the bank counter ? Who’s going to be driving the bus you ride in ? ”
At the same instance that the statement came out of me, I was over-whelmed with guilt. Not everyone chose the work they do, there are alot that are left to fend for themselves circumstantially speaking. I totally understand. Hence i constantly preach that we ought to count our blessings.
But however, disparity makes society function the way it does.
If we are all scholars. Where’s the balance ?
I think I should just shut up. I can so feel whip lash’d
Posted in Daily | No Comments »
I was brought up by my grandmother and was taught from young age the need to do be able to do housekeeping. Over the years, I improvised how somethings were done. I got a little creative with how i do things around the home-ground after a couple of years…
I was unpacking the groceries today and got to thinking. There are alot of rules in the house I grew up in. No dishes get left in the sink unwashed… We probably couldn’t afford a vacuum cleaner, hence my uncle would give us masking tape and make us tape the hair on the floor and we’d have to go on all fours to do it. Everything has to be placed back where you found it. If it weren’t my uncle would point to the mis-placed item and say.. ” hey u know what, the remote control grew legs and walked !!! ” sarcastically nonetheless…
So after this many years, it became a habit.
I got anal.
I am not the neatest person I know. I may not have the habit of placing everything exactly where I’d like to. Many a times I do blink away sights that would have irritated me and make me push away everything i was doing and start sorting things out.
Many a times i’d stand there stare at a clogged up area in the home and had it all planned in my head. I’d sit on the floor watching it for abit and walk away.
I admit I keep to some little quirk. The remote control NEVER grew legs. And i always make my bed.
So even with help available. One need to be able to keep one’s own home.
So tell me, What’s yours ? Hows you keeping your home ?
—-
“Sometimes we need to stop analyzing the past, stop planning the future, stop figuring out precisely how we feel, stop deciding exactly what we want, and just see what happens.”
Posted in Daily | 3 Comments »
After this many years, i have finally put my HDB flat up for sale. Thou time after time i’ve been hinting about my intentions to sell, nobody actually took me seriously. And now when I finally got down to doing it, I am being judged.
After 2 weeks, the valuation report got out and flocks of potential buyers came this afternoon. As i sat there watching group after group of people walking around a place i use to call home, I started having this gut wrenching feeling of guilt rush over me.
They are my family. As much as matrimonial ties are broken. They have been my family for past 10 years. I do realize they have not been thru thick and thin with me and were technically never around when help is needed, I feel guilt ridden. As if I’ve left them homeless… I can’t explain it.
The only thing that got me going ahead with it was… my ex-FIL insinuating that i am a gold digger. Alas… how deluded.
Posted in Daily | No Comments »
A beautiful beach front resort, breath takingly relaxing. I’ve heard you tell me how you love the place… and how you want to take me there show me around.. i’ve heard countless of times of how we must plan a trip to go there together and you’d show me the island….
You just told me you’re going for a holiday.. out on a whim with your friend.
Posted in Daily | No Comments »
For some strange reason today…
as i walking along… i paused and looked at my hands.
I was going to just walk myself down the pharmacy and get myself some anti-aging hand cream. When i got to the entrance.. I turned myself around and walked away.
I’ve always believed in aging gracefully. Thou sometimes, when i’m looking myself in the mirror, especially around the eyes. I realize that time hasn’t been kind on me, grace wasn’t upon me. Its taken what i thought was mine to keep for a long while more away…. I’ve aged quite abit since the last time i took a good hard look at myself.
I’m not one known to take care of what I have… to spend time taking care of “the temple” if you like to call it. Thou one thing i know for sure…
No matter what you did to keep age from showing up on your face…
There’s nothing much you can do to what creeps up on your hands.
Posted in Daily | No Comments »