Acardia [ey-kahr-dee-uh]

when all the hurt, disappointments anger subsides. What do you suppose is left ?

I was talking to myself monday after dinner in the car. A little piece of me died again. I fought like mad to keep the little dignity i had left but lost. I cried in my car like a stupid woman. Then the phone call came and all the shouting started. I did not explain myself. I took in the lashings.

That was the last straw drawn.

a little more than 5 years of youth lost for that tiniest piece of futile hope. Exchanged for more than i bargained for. If denial had done a better job. I would have confidently proclaim i was happy ‘em 5 years. Ever so often, reality slapped me back in place and I would snap.

—-
There’s this song that has been on death by repeat looping on my ipod.
The lyrics is saving me from losing it totally.

To escape what I dreaded I ran away to hide by myself for awhile. Despite not knowing how I got home after. I lost it.

I threw the ring that reminded me how much I was in love out the window. Literally. The watch that I’ve looked at from the showcase ever so often went along with it.

Everything. Everything that meant something to hold on was lost.

I couldnt get out of bed. I was in a lot of pain. Every part of me ached. I have finally lost it. I toyed with the idea of finding company in my own destruction. In the end, I’m the only one destroyed to the core. Why drag along someone that never had the guts to stand up and actually love me.

5 years. That’s how long it took to finally realized that this one person that I have given up everything for, does not have it in him to fight for me. I bear witness to his happy ending which signs my end. It’s long overdue and I never wanted to admit it. I wasn’t ready to give up. But today. I did.

I haven’t cried so hard and was in so much pain in a long long time.

I am angry. Hurt. At myself. For being a constant disappointment. Unable to learn to stand up on my own. I lost me today. I found an empty shell in its place.

I sincerely wish you all the best. You can have your life back and make all your wonderful plans.

You failed me.
I will never ever forgive you.

I hate you.

I was told today that its either i am very good at keeping my emotions or i had none.

Then i was called cold hearted. by someone that hardly knew me.

When God made me, he gave me too much emotions. To care to love too much for my own good. I have fallen and scrapped my knees so many times and i had never given up.

The thing is. When i hide behind walls nobody sees me cry my heart out. I do my best to show the world i am strong and nothing can break my soul. I try with all my might to keep my sanity checked and let the world think i am doing well.

Truth is. I am the world’s biggest wuss.
I have broken down everyday for so long that i don’t know where finding the strength to carry on.

Life isn’t fair. It never is. You want something you go get it. If you fail. Try try again. no ?

I want to be that cold hearted person. I really do. I want to have nothing break me. But i am broken. I don’t know how to glue myself back together. I get judged. I get spat at. I try try again. I never chose to be in the state i am in. I did not think i deserve to be in so much pain.

in the end. Everyone leaves me.

I am but damaged goods returned to sender.

I wish i can take away that one day you laid eyes on me.